As we heal from the religious message of being basically bad, questions arise about how we view ourselves now. One important process is to get in touch with the inner resources that we really do have – inner strength, wisdom, and love. We are not empty or untrustworthy regarding leadership from within. It helps a great deal to clarify the values and ideals that we have now and choose them actively. But this does not have to fall into the trap of setting up expectations of perfection, because we cannot live up to being an ideal self, just as it was impossible to fulfill the expectations of god or religion. We don’t need to swing from considering the self as basically bad to basically good. We are neither and we don’t need that dichotomy. When I worked with a client I will call Sarah, she had done some guided imagery work with me and formed a helpful image of herself as a strong, giving person who cares about others. But she caught herself making good and bad a polarity again and wondered what to do with this image of an ideal self. We discussed two points related to this issue.
1. It’s fine to have a desire to help others and be a force of good in the world on the condition that you are one of the people receiving help. Unlike the religious view, which is to care for others to the neglect of self, this view includes self-care. It’s not a bad word and not selfish. You are one of the people you care about and meeting your own needs is a good thing in the context of doing for others. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
2. Ideals are good for providing direction, not end goals. Your values and ideals help you organize your behavior because they help you clarify what you care about. But realize that you will never arrive and arrival is not the goal. Picture a light at the end of a long road. You will never actually get there but it gives you the direction to go in. This takes the pressure off and lets you be a normal human being instead of being perfect. The inner light is still very important to guide your way. This is very different from achieving a goal such as “being Christ-like,” as some kind of required destination.