By Janice Selbie, RPC


I had no personal experience with divorce until I was 35 years old, when my mother called with an overdue, but shocking, announcement: After 43 years of marriage, my parents were splitting up. While uncomfortable, her announcement was also liberating. If my saintly mother could make such a radical change, so could I. 

Five years later, I was not only divorcing my husband, but also my religion. Indoctrinated into Evangelical Christianity from birth, I had bought into harmful promises and happily-ever-after thinking, but reality had finally crushed my religious fantasy.

The more distance I put between myself and Christian indoctrination, the more I recognized the Abusive Boyfriend vibes of the biblical god. A breakup was in order, for my own mental well-being. It was time to divorce religion. Since my faith loss and the demise of my marriage came around the same time, the parallels seemed obvious.

How Faith Loss is Like a Divorce

Multiple Losses are suffered in divorce, whether the end of a romantic marriage or the end of an intense religious fantasy. Here are some that stood out to me:

1. Loss of Companionship

I loved my husband deeply. He was my best friend, partner, and co-parent. Whether the news was good or bad, he was the first one I shared it with. Losing that companionship was extremely painful.

From childhood, I was taught that God/Jesus was my best friend, protector, provider, and advisor. Sad? He got my burdens. Happy? He got my thanks. Uncertain? I prayerfully “laid out a fleece” before Him, awaiting His holy guidance. Losing my belief in God felt like the death of my closest friend.

2. Loss of Identity

After being married nearly 20 years, tears flowed when I renewed my driver’s license using my maiden name. It felt like my married identity had been stripped away. No longer able to claim the title of wife, I felt sad and embarrassed by my change in status.

When my faith disappeared, I tried to keep attending church – but it was a charade. Once-beautiful songs were now painful reminders that I no longer fit in. I struggled with telling others and feared their rejection. It took years for me to feel comfortable identifying as an atheist.

3. Loss of Community

After marriage, my single friends got left behind as I joined the Married Club. I loved my new status and enjoyed time with other couples and at married women’s church groups. After the divorce, with most of my friends still married, I became the odd one out. Now a third wheel, invitations died off.

Church was my Christian Club, and other members were my family. When I gave birth, a meal train was set up. When I suffered, the prayer group offered support. Communal singing strengthened our group bond. When I left the Church, the loss of support felt staggering. The phone stopped ringing, and the silence was deafening.

4. Loss of World View – Marriage was reliable. The reward for hanging in there was a partner to grow old with. When our daughter’s health took a turn for the worse, my husband and I supported each other, like married couples do. Suddenly single, I felt incomplete; like my page was torn in half. Alone in a strange new world, I was gripped by fear of my vulnerability.

My Christian worldview had helped the world make sense. Blessings followed right behavior or were gifts of a magnanimous Maker; tragedies, on the other hand, were either the wages of sin or God chastening a beloved child. Removing deity from the picture meant life was random and chaotic instead of Divinely orchestrated. The world no longer made sense, and it was terrifying.

What helped?

  • Companionship: Letting myself fully mourn my many losses by leaning into my grief.
  • Identity: Reframing divorce from a failure to a transition.
  • Community: Developing a safe and supportive secular network through hobbies and support groups.
  • Worldview: Giving myself permission to explore other belief systems and life philosophies.

To learn more about my story and the helpful coping strategies I developed, read my upcoming book DIVORCING RELIGION: A Memoir and Survival Handbook, from Prominence Publishing. You can also listen to the Divorcing Religion Podcast.

 

Janice Selbie was born and raised in a Canadian evangelical Christian home with parents who believed the Bible was literal and inerrant. She married a man who became a pastor and they were married for nearly 20 years, raising two daughters. In her late 30s, Janice experienced a series of tragedies which caused her sufficient doubt in the God of the Bible that it shook her loose from her cognitive dissonance and prompted her to start researching other religions and exploring all that she had denied herself. Janice completed her counsellor training in 2015 and is now a Registered Professional Counsellor and Religious Trauma Recovery Coach here at Journey Free. In addition to her private practice and affiliate work with Journey Free, Janice hosts the Divorcing Religion Podcast and is the founder of both CORT: The Conference on Religious Trauma, and the Shameless Sexuality: Life After Purity Culture conference.

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